Self Awareness Week

Hola,

OK, so I just finished posting an eharmony profile. Scary stuff. Why is it scary? Because my matches seem a bit disharmonious (it's a real word, I promise).

I tell the gurus at eharmony that I don't watch TV. Match 3 says that the four things she can't live without are (in this order): The Lord, My friends, The Bible, TV(!), My car. Match 6 says: My family, My dog, My friends, HDTV(!), The New York Yankees.

One attorney says that her boss (!) is the single most important influence in her life.

Hey, guess what Match 7's friends think about her: "you'd have to ask them" (!!)

Match 2 just read Pride and Prejudice(!). Is that code for "I don't read"?

Match 8 adds at the end of her profile, "Tell the truth!" (exclamation point free with quote)

Big news! All of my matches are "intelligent," "caring," "hardworking," "athletic," and..."modest."

Two of my matches reveal that their best life skill is..."managing their personal finances."

One says that she can't live without..."the Olympics."

Another adds that she is wary of those who live "like pod people."

So maybe I filled out the survey incorrectly. Scarily enough, I doubt it. I think that this is me, staring me hardworkingly and caringly in the face, with finances in order and remote control in hand, looking for an honest answer to some basic questions. And there were some very interesting elements as well. Like Match 4's favorite recent book about the hunt for Edvard Munch's stolen artwork. Or Match 9, my personal favorite, who specializes in kidney disease (how did eharmony know about my kidney stone?).

For those of you who are still on the fence, gather 'round. There are several things that you need to consider before taking the $30 a month plunge. First, be liberal with your answers. Don't box yourself in. One of my best friends answered everything truthfully, including how she would only date a Christian/Jew and would prefer someone who didn't drink or smoke. She was told the following:

"Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time."

Frankly, I'm stunned. But then again, I live in New friggin' York, and only got ten matches so far. I mean, "matches."

Next, consider this: yes it only takes about 20 minutes to fill out the 400+ questions, but then you are placed in a holding pattern where you have to "ask her questions," send "must haves and can't stands," "send second questions," "read her answers," "read Dr. Warren's message," and only then are you granted a furlough where you may begin "open communication." For the daring among you, there's the red button option - "request fast track." This is an e-mail sent through eharmony that includes a request to bypass all of the above. A dangerous move, likely to scare away those whose "friends think I'm shy" and the many who appear to need to "build trust." Be warned!

Next, consider the scope of the questions that you may select and send to your "match." Of the zillions of things worth talking about, your questions are confined to the trite and pedestrian. Do we really need to know whether our dates would prefer "roller blading by the ocean" to "the ballet" for a date?

Most disturbing are the banner ads that grace the pages of eharmony, most of which are for teeth whitening or digital photo enhancing services. We wouldn't want anyone seeing what we really look like right away, would we?

Finally, it should be noted that many "matches" also means many people who at any moment can put you "on hold" or "close" your profile, turning you down before they even know about your love for the sound of cool metal against the boardwalk. So rejection can come fast and in stereo. Be strong, my brothers!

I don't trust this 29-dimensional algorithm, which claims to allow you to be flexible in finding the right person for you, yet returns a group of strangers who seem so eerily similar to one another. There are many ways to be wonderful, and I refuse to believe that I can only find love in a careerist smiley gal who enjoys hugs and is thankful for free will. The most disturbing part of it all was how I told the nice interface that I was open to people of all faiths, as long as the person believed in God, only to find my "matches" confined to Christians. There may even be a political element to eharmony - a desire on the company's part to bring together people in certain combinations. After all, it's impossible to instruct your computer that you'd like nothing better than to meet members of the same sex.

I want to develop my own patented matching algorithm, but need your help. It needs to seek out more than one personality type for each weary traveler, giving them the chance or at least the hope for finding love in unexpected, exciting, and edifying places. Here are my first ten questions. Comments welcome.

1. What was the first thought that ran through your mind when you woke up this morning?

2. Which would you prefer, to awaken finding yourself with your own body and the mind of an orangutan, or with the body of an orangutan and the mind of a human being?

3. I can think of a New Yorker cover that provides a nice visual depiction of where I am in my life (Likert scale)

4. Puddles on the sidewalk - to step in or to avoid at all costs? (scale)

5. You have one dollar bill. You happen upon some street performers in a subway station:

(a) an African singer who plays guitar and a sings in Swahili with a moving voice but dances embarrassingly out of rhythm;
(b) a violinist who plays a halfway decent but movingly heartfelt version of Clair de Lune; and
(c) a woman with a long, flowing, ruffled dress and dark, curly hair, sitting with a drum machine in her lap that is connected to very large speakers, who randomly sways to a techno beat while she howls into her microphone.

Where does the dollar bill find its home?

6a. "We're marooned on a small island, in an endless sea. Confined to a tiny spit of sand, unable to escape. But tonight, on this small planet..." Would you use this quote in a TV show, a movie, or as a sample in music?

6b. Kindly complete the above quotation.

7. You are sent to Best Buy to purchase The Office. Do you bring back (a) the original BBC series, (b) the American version, or (c) Extras?

8. In a crowded place, I stare (a) down at my feet, (b) at any available advertisements, (c) directly at other people, making occasional eye contact, (d) randomly, everywhere.

9. True or False: People who apply the "veil of ignorance" concept to an ordinary life situation while in group conversation either don't know what they're talking about or are in love with themselves.

10a. An article appears on page three of the New York times, indicating a new correlation between the sipping of green tea and the reduced risk of disease. I (a) immediately drink more green tea; (b) change nothing about my green tea consumption; (c) take out my anger at the gross misrepresentation of multiple regression analysis by drinking less or even no green tea; (d) do nothing; it's the Times, after all, and I'll be damned if I eat or drink like a Liberal.

10b. Follow-up to 10a: will that be jasmine, gunpowder, "whatever they're serving," or sencha?


Vaya con Dios - brooding presence